Myaxwonderland’s Weblog

I know, I haven’t written in a long time. I didn’t feel the need to really. For a moment in my life I actually let go and was normal for a little while, socializing and doing well in school. Not trying to run away from things i was actually feeling. Granted i was drowning myself in alcohol  and smoking like a chimney, I looked skinny as all hell and probably didn’t give off the best of vibes but I was apart of something. Now I don’t know what i’m doing anymore…

I dont know what to do about my relationship, I dont know what to do about my best friend. I dont know what I”m doing with my life anymore. Alicia is gone, she’s missing and I dont know what the hell to do about it. I need her back. I need someone who can get on my level and I pray to God she’s alright… I wish I could say that i want to go back to how life was before but i dont really know if i want that either. What was so good about being a kid? Nothing really, there’s nothing good about life. Everything is what we make it, we have to force ourselves to find things. Because we’re all just such fucked up people, we screwed the entire earth over which is slowly dying, we let other people tell us what we need and what’s good for us, we are a fucked nation. A fucked world. And you

YOU, tell me to cheer up, you tell me you like me and that I’m beautiful and smart and all these things. Of course you’re going to tell me that, you have no idea who I am exactly. I dont even know who i am so i cant warn you in time to just get out while you’re still in one piece, who knows everyone else might be right… I dont want them to be and they probably aren’t but isn’t it just easier to listen to people who think they know what the fuck is going on in someone’s head instead of just asking.

yea it is, which is why i’m so screwed up in the first place, but why blame it on everyone else. I will always be the bad influence, the maniac and the bitch. The back stabbing using piece of shit that means nothing to no one and will never get anywhere just because sooo many people hate me FOR NO FUCKING REASON and the ones who love me don’t bother understanding me anyways and never will because ultimately if i love you I will never show you how sick of a shit i really am…

And it’s that which you hate the most, that feeling of rotting, your mouth feels sour as you lay there with bloody arms, watching your heart beating on the floor next to you as you let the chocolate melt on your tongue.

Melody, a melody, can’t you hear it?

piano keys playing symphonies, alone, echoing in your now empty head

and this is all, just let go. Life is almost over.

So just listen anyway fore it’s the last thing you will ever hear, close your eyes and imagine yourself flying behind the stars towards the moon. Comfortably laying on the clouds. Dreaming nightmares and puzzle pieces start connecting in your head.

At that last minute you begin to understand life in all it’s cruelty…

The taste of truffles still in your mouth you lick away the sweetness, abusing the flavor until it’s gone. You suddenly realized you should have savored that sweet taste and now you’re so far gone you’ll never have it again.

So lets just drown ourselves in this fifty proof sea and cry acid tears. Let go of whatever happened because why even try to feel now when eventually you will feel nothing.

Just think…

Even angels have a devils on their shoulders which laugh mechanically at them day to day. Filling their ears with the most god awful drone. Taunting them to clip their wings and jump off into the mortal world. It’s just a step down from heaven, nothing too serious they say. So the angels jumped and here they are. Walking by us every day. The catch is some make it back to the golden gates while others continue listening to the voices and fall farther down to the depths of a reality they will never understand, a night in the underground and they wont let you go. Some should call this reality insanity and who are they to judge. We are all but fallen angels jumping levels every lifetime.

As for myself, I will never die, I will never relive again, and I will never be remembered. I wont rise to the gates of heaven, nor fall to the dungeons of hell. I will remain the same, constant in soul and form, breathing, eating, sleeping soundly under the stars. Forever faithful to only life. Remembering the wars upon me and the renaissance’s which have changed me. Diving into the seas and turning with the sands of time.

Only to be disappointed, for the taste of the bitter sweet chocolate is now gone and it took a lifetime for me to realize that that which is simple we will always miss the most.

Oh my fucking god i cant believe i’m up at 3 in the freakin morning again this is like that one time when i was itching for a cure on crystals… i’m so fuckin tired but i feel so god damn cracked out that i’m surprised i feel like myself at all… i stopped biting my nails so now the keys make a funky lil clicky noise when i type its pretty funny actually. Anyways life is fuckin brilliant… i’m with Todd so i guess that’s good, we’re working out slowly in modern terms it means i’m moving up on his top myspace friends which for me for now is good enough. The weather is like living in a fuckin desert i swear i hate how hot it is the funny thing about the summer time is you can always put tons of freakin clothes on in the winter and then in the summer no matter how much shit you take off it doesn’t really matter cuz somehow you’re still burning up.  Now for other things, there is my best friend marina who’s totally fucking up her life and owns me a shit load of money but i dont even wanna bother her with that because i suck at confrontations and i avoid them as much as humanly possible on the other hand iwant my fuckin money because it’s driving me crazy not being able to buy shit and then she goes on dictating me on how it’s out money and how i owe her something. The only thing i owe her is a huge punch in the face i’m not gonna lie that bitch drives me out of my fucking mind. Then there’s grant who’s officially turned into my best friend, we tell each other everything, it’s nice having someone i can talk to and know that at the end of the day he’s just as fucked up as i am and just as lonely in his own head so we help each other out a lot with the whole secret telling and being friends part except sometimes it gets kinda weird cuz i think one of us gets kinda idk how to say it confused i guess n then i have to remember that we’re just friends. I wish Todd would talk to me more. It’s like i bust out like a million words per day and he busts out maybe 50 at the most around me. I heard Inna had enough personality for the both of them well who the fuck wants someone with no personality, i know he has it idk why he doesn’t show it. What happened to him that make him close everything off so bad.

There’s this thing with fear. People who have it. What is fear? Being afraid of something. What is being afraid? I have no words for fear. it’s that tingly feeling you get when someone’s watching you or you feel like someone’s watching you or going to grab you or kill you even though you know there’s really nothing there and nothing really matters. And even if you did die you’ know that it would be because you free fell fearlessly into the unknown and let the world take you down with not only a fight but a war. i would never decide to live on my knee’s yes i am one of those people who will bow down when i dont feel like handling crap but that’s usually only around my parents and that’s because there’s really no winning with them. But to fall freely that would be amazing. Just let go and fall into the sky. wonders…

cancer. it’s like a cancer spreading through my body. a tumor they cant stop. you’re love haunting me haunting my bedroom walls and lingering in my presence constantly just eating away at my soul i love you body and soul you are my life you are my death. you are apart of me the air i breathe the life i live. I’m all yours.

Love is a nasty business. We have absolutely no idea how to control it. It’s worse than politics because at the end of the day you dont have to come home and sleep with your political choices and opponent. True you fall asleep with the mistakes you made but you dont make love to them, you dont let them make your coffee for you in the morning, although if you’re a big politician it might pay for your Starbucks, but that’s besides the point. Love is a nasty business because we tend to make it that way. We dont always accept the person we love or chose to be with for some reason. We decide that we’re with them and then knowing who we chose to be with we for some reason try to change them to be something they’re not. And we do this subconsciously, which brings me to the subject of why. The answer to that is simply because we are always changing, always meeting new people and always finding what we like or love over and over again every day. It’s hard to stay with the same likes or loves, the same qualities day after day. How can you really chose something and stick by it the rest of your life when there are so many opportunities to do better or to have better. We as people are always looking for something better, better cars, better clothes, better styles, better music, better everything really. What gives us the strength to stay with something thats ever changing in god knows what kind of direction. I have no fucking idea honestly, every day i try to figure it out. Why is it that i am able to fall in love over and over again knowing the endless possibilities of misery that can lay ahead. And oh the misery. The fact that i know he’s looking at someone else when i’m not there and it’s perfectly human and i have to accept it but why. On the other hand it’s not like i wont indulge in different fantasies of my own looking at men like Hugh Jackmen all sweaty and sexy on that new X-Men movie. Grrr. haha. Whatever moving on. Why do i love you. Well lets put it this way, why does the sun shine. It just does. I just do. That is far from a reasonable explanation but how can you explain something like love, how can we justify our feelings, they aren’t exactly math equations. We cant justify feelings, we can justify most of our actions and even then we tend to get it wrong. Then again, what’s the point of justifying anything at all, what am i trying to prove, and who am i trying to prove it to? I dont feel the need to tell you why i do the things i do, i just do them all the time, i just want to be something and go somewhere and no matter what i just want to be happy and whatever it takes i want to be happy. I dont care if i’m living on the street and taking temp jobs like dog walking and designing, i dont care if i’m a lonely stonner as long as i’m happy with who i am. It’s not what you do or what you know but are you really satisfied with those things? If you’re satisfied with what you have and who you are then what does it matter what the rest of the world is doing? On the other hand there’s also the argument of what if everyone did everything they wanted but what’s wrong with that, i have one word for you communism. That’s workers Paradise apparently but how can i really be a paradise when nothing you own is your own. How does that really work? I’d explain it to myself but i kinda know the answer and dont feel like typing it out. TO be honest the only reason i’m writing right now is to get my mind off someone cuz i’m so god damn bored right now and trying to kill a really long time and when i talk in circles to my own computer that tends to help me a lot.

It’s like every day you’re ready to go to sleep earlier just so you dont have to pretend to be something for someone else. Always pasting a smile on your face just so everyone can think you’re ok. So they dont ask questions when you stop showing up to classes and constantly doing all that damn useless work. Constantly running away from something you didn’t want in the first place but agreed to just so everyone would stop talking. Conforming and agreeing, so that they shut up already. How pathetic is that… I’ve always wanted to tell my parents that I live every single day wanting to get the fuck out of here, and it’s not some teenage hormones reacting, it’s me wanting to get the fuck away from them. Just find some peace with myself. It’s hard walking and walking every day knowing where i’m going and not wanting to be walking in that direction at all. They want me to have an easier life, well i dont want it to be easy, i want it to be something else. I want to do something that i’ll be proud of, something that i can live with. I dont want to be like you, and ever time i explain that to you, you agree with me and then weeks later i lose myself again and i do what you tell me to.  All those stupid rock songs that a lot of people call a cry for help, they’re all so accurate, they finally make sense. The whole trying so fucking hard concept and never really getting anywhere… always running to the finish line and never really passing it. Living the dreams of your parents just because… just because. And we’re all so emotionally retarded, we cant handle our own feelings, we self medicate and get lost in our own minds. Constantly talking to myself, stuck in a world that i’m beyond capable of controling but i never seem to get a good grip of it. Goddamnit! Why cant i just be, just be something. I have no idea who i am, i have no idea why i do the things i do, and by the time i’m 30 i’ll probably still be thinking like this, still feel the same fuckin way about myself,I’m not going to find myself. My parents have no fucking idea who they are. They just try to get by and i know it. They live their mediocre lives. My mother is constantly pissing him off but he wont leave, why because it’s too much of a hassel to leave. My mother is constantly pissing me off but i cant kill myself, i cant leave, i cant forget all the stupid shit she’s done to me and everyone else. It’s more work than just quietly sitting there and listening to her yell and complain. I really wish they would get a divorce, but she keeps kissing his ass, because she’s scared i’m going to kill her. What a concited bitch. why would i take your life so i can spend mine in jail or on death row…

just for a minute. lets just pretend like everything we did meant something at all. Just for a second lets think of the days where our smiles weren’t as fake as the pictures on our walls. Just for a moment lets stop and lets listen to the music we played in your car for that day, the last hour that we spent together in peace, singing along the melody of our good bye. Lets go back and remember how those kisses felt, the very first time i kissed your lips, not knowing she kissed them hours before i did. Lets go back and pretend that anything we did meant something at all, because i’m not convinced.

so i’m just a machine, made up of all the pieces that everyone else has put me together with. Just a strange and fictional character put on this world to entertain and be the black hole for everyone else’s problems. We dont even know why we do it. Mess with each other that is, we just do. Constantly talking down to one another trying to get a rise out of each other for some simple pleasure. A guilty pleasure perhaps. Maybe it’s just that we’re so sick of ourselves, so critical of our own beings that we have to talk down to one another to make ourselves feel like someone special. It’s this feeling you get when you know you’ve gotten to someone else, that tiny part of you thats actually happy that you put the other person down. wWho am i to tell anyone they’re wrong? who are they to tell me i’m wrong? where did we get these concrete definitions of what’s wrong or right? it’s as if there’s this crazy parallel universe that i stand between, constantly fighting the voices from the other world that remind me of who i am and my only purpose in life….

The door that i opened on the day that i touched you was a door i should have shut before i met you. For you my love i reached far into insanity. You carved me from the inside out and made my body hollow. An addiction the strongest couldn’t resist i needed the cold of your touch on my lips. For they iced me over into this new being these powers they gave me the strength to go on but i never realized that i was never that strong. I gave into your pull and you dropped me back down and i needed you more as i layed on the ground scraping up all the pieces of you that pieced me together and you’d never leave my body alone. You pulled me across the floor, a zest for this feeling my life crashing down and there’s no way of dealing with the pain in my heart and the urge to be free, from your hate i cant stray, the end is painful to see. Because every time i walk away you pull me back into your arms your crystal crystal beauty your chemical charm and you eat me right through from the inside out and you’re all i can do, all i talk about. The sweetest of dreams dont pass through my head. The sadest of songs you played in my bed. You pulled my skin right over my bones clearly looking in the mirror it distinctively shown and the bruises on my body said nothing at all you made me so clumsy i lose control and fall right back into your world, the world of the creeper. The walls that surround me my own thoughts getting deeper and i write and i write and i dont shut my eyes and the days that pass by me, demonds crawling on my walls. As my ceiling gets closer i’ll be crushed by the force and i’ll wake up to birds singing and i’ll stare at my door wondering if it’s save to wake up and love you once more. I watch the sun rising the smoke lingering around my head drawing lines only i can see. Pictures depicted by a fiend of the night, I see myself smile as i add to the jitters my body has already developed at the feel of your presence. Just one last time…  i will love you again my friend, just let me feel you once more.

With poison running through my veins i take a shot of reality into space and your words fly around my pale face in the moonlight i cry but you cant see it. And by your hand i decided to die in the darkness of day i pulled out a knife and i carved your name on my arm. Like the days passing by me a world so unreal with the hours just passing im reminded of how i feel with your fingers laced in mine i close my eyes and for a moment i’m free. When i look into your eyes soft sweet color of death they paint my world around me and they take my breath away but in the light of day it dawned on me that I am in love with a dream and our nightmares collide. And the look in your eyes taught me more than just hate it taught me to rot from the inside out. It killed me slowly to see the way you looked at me like a pimp at his bitch  hooked on meth my heart bleeds. And the scars on my wrists and my ankels run deep and i find no worries in the arms that bleed for they give the calm sense of security one moment in time i control my own life. So with days passing by me i stop and i stare but the love once around me is no longer there and i turn on my music bow my head start to cry and in time i’ll be spent close my eyes and i’ll die.

Conformity-–noun, plural -ties.

4.	(often initial capital letter) compliance with the usages of an established church, esp. the Church of England.

Conformity… has human creatures we feel the need to fit in, for some stupid reason. We will go to great lengths to feel needed and loved, according to Maslow, a psychologist, after our physiological needs are met, we will strive to achieve the feeling of belongingness. Why? Just because it’s human nature. We will dress, eat, drink , smoke, play, listen to the same music, pretend to like sports even though we may hate them. People will look to be accepted in the weirdest places. You will continue to befriending the most dubious people just because you feel that’s what you will fit in with. Promiscuous dope fiends at raves,  the football players just because you are your fathers son, or yoga just because you are your mothers daughter. I dont even know where most of the pressure comes from, personally i think it’s the parents and then because your parents pushed you into something you conform to the rules and guidelines of people you wouldn’t think twice of fitting in with if it weren’t for your parents. In the year 2009 it’s hard to say that you’re original, that your idea is the best idea, or that it just came to you. The only people who could semi be original are the drug addicts and that’s just because their hormone levels and the chemicals in their brain are so messed up that no one knows what the fuck is going on in their heads. I’m not going to lie, some of the best idea I’ve ever had were on ecstasy trips, or while i was smoking a joint at the beach. Life is just so much more beautiful and simple. Things seem to make sense but now that i’m aware that i’ve gone off on a tangent it’s time to get back on topic. So conformity. Why do we do it? I have no fucking idea. I guess it’s because if we didn’t we wouldn’t have other people to blame for the stupid bullshit that happens in our lives, but in a group of mannequins, jocks, barbie dolls, whatever you’d like to call your weird little possy, everyone is almost the same. Dont deny the fact that you share ideas it’s like all of you share a brain, in the nicest sense possible of course. If you haven’t noticed, you agree to the same music, most of the time you can all agree to a place to go for dinner, or that one hooka place, why? Why not do something new? Try some new place? Hang out with someone new? Because you are in the loop of conformity. You will do the same thing, with the same people, with the same drama, and the same thing day after day year after year. Have you ever noticed that it’s the same person starting the drama? Why are you even around them? Dont even give me the bullshit about balance… you’re full of it and you know it. You wont leave not because you cant but because change is too large of a concept for your brain to adjust to. So you’ll lie for a few more years, pretend you’re someone you’re not and then maybe you’ll get lucky and wake up one day and realize that the people you fit in with best you lost forever. The people who weren’t cool or made you look good all the time were the ones who are actually worth more time than the people who made you listen to their shit for hours and rarely asked if you’re okay. Girls are vicious creatures, really. They dont even know when they’re doing it but they’re basically sucking the life out of you and leaving you out there to dry. You cant reason with them at all it’s pretty much useless because even if they agree with you for five minutes they’ll end up forgetting that they agreed with you and doing whatever they do. I dont know just pick a situation and think about it. Did she say one thing and then do something different or forget? Maybe or maybe not, maybe i’m just ranting again. Anyway, i’m a conformist, i do it all the time, i try to look like one of those girls who care so much about themselves but may or may not just be hiding how ugly or stupid they are. I dont know if they’re doing it but it helps me sleep better at night thinking that they do. The girls who come home and just drama drama drama drama homework drama. What is going on in their heads? I’ve always wanted to know that… Do i share the same thoughts as a cheerleader? I am so curious it hurts. Do they think about crashing every time they get in  their daddys car? Do they think about killing someone when they get pissed off? Do they wonder why some people sound so damn stupid sometimes? I dont think they do but i’d sure like to pretend they’re not completely stupid. Or maybe it’s not them that’s the freak, maybe it’s me. Maybe i’m not supposed to think about death, or depression, drugs, raves, maybe i’m just really sad all the time but i’ve never really considered that because i dont think i’m sad. I’d like to think of myself as a very happy person. I’m satisfied with my life and i know what i’m going to do with it. I have hobbies and real friends or my version of real friends. They have acquaintances. People who fill the space in time from the hours of 8am to 315pm Monday thru Friday and sometimes weekends. What do they have left to talk about? Why do these people bother me so much? I guess i’ll figure it out one day but for now let me conform in the simplest form… She wore green and i guess i’ll wear green too…