Myaxwonderland’s Weblog

There’s always that one flaw in us. It’s usually the one telling us that we are all destined to fail. The one convincing us that we’re not good enough for the world, that we will never amount to anything. It consumes our every thought, drags us down, and darkens our personalities making us the walking dead. We have everything and for some reason we appreciate nothing. Taking what we are given and demanding what we are not. Constantly screaming and screaming out to the world for that one thing that will satisfy our undying hunger, our urgent taste for honesty. We melt at the simple thought of truth. Our entire world was created by sages, cooperate business junkies, who aimed to control us in every way they could. They created our cities, our towns, dominated our homes, and we didn’t know when or how or even why they were watching but they were. They had eyes in the windows and ears by the vents. It seemed as if they knew everything and whenever they sensed your defying nature they sent for you, knowing that there wont be a next time.You knew they were coming, your body was absorbed with the radiation of their presence, it automatically responded to their call. The never ending drone of the siren sounded like the screeching metal of a train avoiding a collision. It echoed through the streets, the soundwaves absorbed into our stone houses. Nothing could stop me from cringing, I tried to block it out, the pressure in my head built up… I wanted to scream from the searing pain, but screaming would only make it worse. My muscles contracted, my joints stiffened, my body felt as if it were being cut up with a dull box cutter. I refused to scream, this couldn’t be real… I bit my lip as hard as i could, continuously repeating her last words and the things she taught me. I didn’t realize i bit through it until the cold blood slipped slowly down my chin and onto my pillow. Maybe i was alive after all… I was so absorbed by the crimson river that was steadily drying in different directions across my face that i didn’t notice the sudden silence. It was about time too. Giving into exhaustion she closed her eyes and cried. If there was a God, she’d have someone to pray to, if she had parents, then maybe she’s have someone who loved her. Then again if she lived anywhere but here, maybe it would have mattered.

               When she awoke, she didn’t know i was watching her… she didn’t know i watched her dream or listend to her unsteady breathing as she slept. She didn’t know that she talks in her sleep or wraps her arms around me thinking i’m her pillow. She doesn’t know that the smell of her body wash is intoxicating to me or that her hair looks like a honey waterfall of curls. She’s probably never noticed that her skin is as soft as satin, but i have. I’ve studied this beautiful human creature for months, nothing in this entire city attracted me the way she did. She was nothing like the others… She was a diamond among streets of endless stones, an angel who had fallen from heaven. I watched her as she turned to look out the window probably wondering how much longer she would have to wake up to the bland view of grey stone and pale blue skies. I noticed her mood shift in her forest green eyes, it changed as quickly as the seconds on the clock when she realized that she had, yet again, woken up from a perfect dream into her pathetic reality.  She sat up, her wave of curls slowly following across her pillow before falling gently on her bare back, smoothly outlining the curve of her spine.  As the daily morning routine was about to begin, I took my usual seat at the corner of the room and watched as this shining goddess began her work… She scooped up her hair and tied it up  into an imperfect bun leaving her body exposed tot he icy air of the room. She shivered as she looked for the closest garment to slip on, not finding anything suitable around her she crawled across her bed to inspect the drawers in the right hand side nightstand. Pulling out a silk males dress shirt she slipped into it easily and giggled at how silly she must have looked, fore it was 3 sizes too large for her pixie thin frame. Then as if nothing happened she glided out of the room only to return in seconds with a more suitable outfit to wear. I watched her slide on the light blue jeans with ease, noting how perfectly they fit her, but instead of pulling on the cardigan she picked picked out… she pulled the dress shirt up and tied it over her navel. Taking a quick look at herself in the vanity mirror she noticed some slight bruising on her arms and lip… and a tint of blood red blush on her neck and chin.. figuring it was nothing she concluded that she looked great and skipped out of the room leaving me in breathless wonder….

           As i crept down the stairs of my stone fortress I tried to think about the previous nights events, by the time I reached the kitchen I began to wonder whether they even happened… what part of last night was real… Suddenly feeling nauseous i leaned back against the wall and slowly made my way to the floor…..Trying to decipher between my facts and fiction 

I recapped last nights events in the order i could remember: class, work. bar, Lisa, a few bottles of beer, Lisa, beer, Lisa, more beer, Lisa’s drunken words of sober thoughts… ranting about her friend and how she woke up feeling some presence in her house, 2 shots of tequila, she said smell of cologne in her house was sickening, one more shot, she screamed, everything was hazy, i puked, parking lot, man, car ride, attraction, distractions, desire… the more i thought about it the more I remembered him, or at least parts of him. It was as if this were a set up, half my memory was completely distorted yet the memory of him and everything after him pieced together pretty well. Every inch of him, somehow he knew everything about me, he carried me into my house, he knew how to get in, nothing i said surprised him. It was almost as if he knew my every move, the man was my shadow come to life and now haunting me in another form, it sounded so stupid. He walked me up the stairs and into my bedroom, his strong arms keeping me from falling, his reassuring voice promising me I was fine and that he’d do nothing but take care of me. I walked into my room stumbled and turned around, his tall frame blocked my bedroom door, my only means of escape, his gaze swept me over… The hunger in his eyes building as he watched me stumble around my room like a wounded animal knowing it was going to die and barely putting up a fight. For the first time in hours my judgement decided to repair itself, the man in front of me was not what I first perceived him to be he was very tall and compared to me it didn’t take much to be taller, he was at least 50lbs over me, with the arms of a baseball player, and the thick rough look of a sexy high school football captain, but what really got me was the fact that he was in my house and now an inch from my face. I felt his warm breath against my hair, his hands gently beginning to creep around my waist before locking behindmy back. I leaned away from him attempting to create space between us but one of his hands quickly clamped around my neck. he pushed my face closer to his and for the first time I noticed his remarkable eyes. There were a deep crystal blue at first glance but now, staring into his eyes, i could see them lit up with an unholy fire. An undeniable passion burned within him consuming every moral thought he had, and destroying it. I waited for his next move, terrified, every muscle in my body contracted, every joint began to stiffen, he bent his head down to my ear and whispered, “Just say yes…” No sooner had the words left his lips that his hands began caressing me, memorizing my body and mapping out the uncharted territory he wished to explore. I tried to speak but I couldn’t, I wanted to scream, but i knew it was useless. He was losing his patience with me, I could feel it as he groped my chest with his right hand, his left still holding me pressed against him, and still no words came… “say it…” he snapped at me. His body was demanding that he forget his conscience and he gave in. Forcing me on my back and pinning me to the bed, he managed to strip off my work button up and favorite lace bra in the process of keeping me still. Pressure began to build in my head, train screeching to a halt, metal scraping metal as it avoided a collision, the sound rang in my ears as i tried to claw my way across the bed and away from him. He came after me grabbing at my hair, catching barely a handful, but enough to throw me back into the metal frame of the backboard, my body fell limp onto the mattress from the impact. I cringed, forcing myself into a fetal position, praying he would stop, but  he didn’t, he pulled me apart as if i were a doll, made to use at his disposal. I bit my lip and clung to my pillow as he forced his way inside my fragile body, it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It seemed as though my insides were being intricately carved out the way a butcher would one of his specimens, only i didn’t get the luxury of being dead and instead of a sharp thin knife i was being butchered with a  dull box cutter. I continuously repeated my mothers last words to myself… she knew exactly what to say and the combination of old memories and new ones turned my body comfortably numb. Suddenly the entire world stopped shaking, i was afraid to open my eyes but knew it was now or never, the outlines of my room came into focus. By the barely visible moonlight my room seemed to spin before my eyes and i suddenly realized that I completely bit through my once perfect bottom lip. the cold blood slipped slowly down my chin and onto my tear stained pillow. Maybe i was alive after all and while my face was outlining the map of South Americas rivers, my body was yearning for death. As I gave into the pull of gravity and fell back exhausted, i lost all control, closed my eyes, and for the first time in years cried myself to sleep…

I looked around… Nothing was out of place… I took a deep breath and that’s when it hit me… the room smelled differently, it smelled of A. Code, but there was no way there could have been a guy here! I walked around the house looking for a clue, something anything that would explain something, i didn’t even know what iwas looking for, but I felt someone there. My heart was racing, I turned in circles waiting to see who it was, no one was there. I felt the walls closing in slowly it seemed as if they were reaching out to pull me in, take me to their bitter world. I ran, i didn’t even know where i was going, he was everywhere. I screamed as the walls began spinning around me, nothing made sense. A pair of strong hands grabbed me…

She hates me i know it, i’ve never felt tension except in the court room but i was feeling it now. She hates me i thought as i looked down at her knowing that she’ll wake up any minute and relive everything that’s happened for the third time. I hated myself more than she could ever hate me, she’d remember everything she felt and always wonder who that man was… one day she’ll know it was me.

This was a dream, it had to be… shower… that should help…

She rean to the bathroom, stripped off her clothers, and turned on the shower. The icy cold water hit her body and she shivered but stood still letting hte water gently outline her perfect curves and cleanse her staind skin. She couldn’t shake the memories and evern if she could the bruises on her body would remind her of that night. SOmewhere in the house she heard the door opening, she froze not knowing what to do, quickely she turned off the shower, grabed a towel, wrapped it around herself, and sank down onto the wete tile. Pressing herself against the wall praying she couldn’t disappear as she listened to footsteps slowly making hier way up the stairs. She had nowhere to go, nothing to defend herself with, but the worst part was… this time she wouldn’t be drunk and would reember every minute… The footsteps stopped at her bedroom door… “Anna!” This was not a mans voice… “Anna-a-a-a!!” I recognized that voice, it belonged to no one other than LIsa, the girl who posed as my best friend ever since i got stuck in this shithole. “Anna, where the hell are you?! Ok well wherever you are can you please come the fuck out because some of us have been worried out of our fuckin minds…”Her voice trailed off, she was probably going to walk around my entire house yelling until i came out… crap.

“Damnit Lisa, I’m in here!” I walked out of my bathroom soaked from head to toe trying to calm down. Lisa didn’t understand depth perception too well, she burst into my room, ” What the hell happened Last night?!?” she demanded thinking that i could actually explain it myself. “yea i dont know…”

“well who was that guy, I mean dont get me wrong… yummy… but who.. “

“You know what he looks like?”

“The man is a god, how can you not remember what he looks like? Just how drunk were you?”

“Yea i dont know…” Everything was a blur i had not idea what else to say because i really had no idea what happened. “Well, I’m waiting, who is he?”

“Yea like i said i dont know,” now i was getting irritated,” honestly i wish i could tell you, i do, but i cant.”

“so what some random guy just took you home???” she stared at me.

“yea…”

“And i let it happen…”

“yea..”

“did you…”

“Yea…”    “NO!” “yes” “CRAP!”

“YOu know that’s what i’ve been saying all morning and yet the idea still hasn’t seeped in…”

“So the bruises are…”       “yea”      “FUCK…”

“look honestly i dont want to talk about it, i have no idea what happened last night… How the hell did he get here anyway?”

“It was Saturday last night… they’re allowed in town…”

“yea i know that but i mean to my house like how the hell did he know where i live or how to get in? How did he know my name or exactly where my bedroom was?”

          I watched them try to figure out what happened last night. Lisa in all her stupidity making up unreasonable senarios and my Anna denying each one, rationalizing, and moving on to the next possibility. She was so entrancing, so pleasent, so perfect, how long before her magic fades? I’ll give it a few weeks, I’ll come get her and this will all be over. She’ll see me… and everything will fall into place.

The next few weeks were a complete blur. There was work, which kept me occupied for a few hours but it wasn’t enough. THen there was painting, tracing the outlines with my brush only got me to keep painting the images that were so fresh in my head since that night. My writing was at a standstill. I was a woman at war with my own head. My emotions constantly running between happiness and tears. I had no one to turn to, nothing to say to anyone, and no one would listen anyway. The only thing i could think about was him. The mystery man who tore apart every part of me. The man who made me long for him with every fiber of my being and yet hate him exactly the same. The man who turned my world upside down with one night. The bruises eventually faded, but the stains on my heart were perminent. I swore to myself that if i ever laid eyes on him again i’d kill him. I’d rip his heart out, torture him the way he tortured me every night. Nothing made sense in the light of day and it got worse as the sun would set. I couldn’t leave my house and yet being in it kept me on edge. In a few weeks i’d be reassigned and that was the only thing i had left to look forward to. A new place, with different people, a world beyond this mental complex i had going. As i lay in bed i reminded myself of all the reasons i had left to live and as i fell asleep and dreamt about the future i found myself adding on to the list.

The morning of my reassignment i woke up to a room full of smiling faces… why the hell did i give Lisa my damn key?

“wake up princess!” well shit she was happier than usual. “guess what came in the mail for you?”

OH shit, i sat up so fast that all the blood rushed to my head and i fell back down. The girls took the opportunity to burst out in their annoying orchestrated giggles. “shut up…” i mummbled under my nose, their hearing was better than i thought and for once i really didn’t care. I told Lisa to get them out of my house before i really flipped. She understood better than i thought she would. When they were out, she came over, sat on my bed and put the letter in front of me wondering if it was safe to ask about it, “Soo…” she said, ” you wanna open that?” A smile lit up on my face, for once i was the one with something to say and something to look forward to, “yea, definetly.” She smiled at me, it was like an unspoken apoligy. I took the bio from her and looked at it trying to see what got to her so much. There was nothing there… just a man who seemed to be so perfect… just a perfect stranger. Instantly i was in love, in love with a hopeful future, in love with the idea of leaving all this behind, finally. “And? ” i asked. Lisa just stared at me and then shook it off and smiled… “no nothing, it’s just i thought i’ve seen him somewhere before…”

“really?” i said, ” that’s impossible, if you saw him i would have seen him…”

“well, it doesn’t matter, looks like you’re gonna get what you’ve always wanted… Right so i’m gonna let you pack and come back to say good bye”

“can you please let me enjoy this if just for a second?”

“alright”, she laughed,” but i’m jumping in bed with you for the last time…” she jumped over me to the other side of the bed and for the last time we talked about everything… After that day i never thought that the little things would matter to me so much, that i’d miss her annoying laugh, the way she’s break into my house, or her pathetic attempts to cheer me up with corny jokes. I didn’t think i’d lose her but i did…

Ch. 2

My life was finally changing for the better i guess. Jake was a good guy, he treated me right, made good money, and what do you know Lisa was right he was exceptionally good looking. As a “New Yorker” Andrew Richards was built like a model and had the sophistication of an aristocrate.

“She’s just a girl”, i say to myself, a girl who’s life took a few wrong turns. But looking at her again i am convinced that she cant possibly be all that she perceives to be. She is a fiend, corrupted at will, she practically called to the world to destroy her. She begged society to look down at her, treat her as if she were a deadly virus. The way she polluted the clean air with her presence and made even the strongest of men sick with despair. A little girl, with diamond eyes, and lily white skin she was determined to break anyone who fell into her trap. A black widow, they called her, she was conniving and evil. In her black brilliance she painted images, wonderful works of art in your mind, slowly drawing you in, making you feel happy and perfect, who knew that her magic would ever fade? I knew. With every hug and every kiss i felt her cold heart crystallizing me, but the warmth of her body kept me standing there. She was a witch, a siren, an unholy monster, and i was possessed. She knew she had me, she knew i would never leave her, she wanted pleasure and love and i gave her everything i could give. She drugged me, without her abuse i felt nothing. The nights i would lay alone, i longed for her hate, the silence was worse than death, I waited and waited thinking that any minute she’d barge in screaming, swearing that this was the night she would finally die, she would rage on and on about it while i held her, she pierced my back with her nails, viciously clawing at my flesh. When her fits were over she would pass out in my arms and knowing better than to move I would lay in silence, there in the dark waiting for her tears to seep into my skin. Intoxicated by her vulgar fragrance of Jack Daniels and cigarettes i would fall asleep and dream sweet nightmares. The only time she didn’t haunt me with her vivacious anger fore she was my dream. WHen i awoke she was gone, but she never really left, her presence in my house lingered like a ghost in a graveyard. The light seemed to burn her perfect completion, it turned her into a rose, the very thing that destroyed her. A single rose grown in the garden of Eden. How could a rose destroy a goddess once so sweet? I dont know and i dare not question her. As the thoughts of my only love glided through my mind I was overwhelmed with despair so I picked up the bottle of JD, her last bottle, and drank the remnants knowing that she didn’t leave anything else behind this time. Shot it down and trashed it, finally letting go of the girl who ruined every aspect of my life, scared my back, broke my heart, and wasted my money. I took a deep breath and oped my front door only to find her body on my door step bruised, beaten, and as always with a bottle in hand. I looked down at her wondering if I could pull through again and realized that i could. So i picked her up and took her inside. Her body was frozen and motionless, yet whatever was inside her kept her breathing. Amazed… I starred at this robotic creation, this abomination… I couldn’t find the right words to label her with anymore…. There were none.

Kay so it’s like 2:02 in the morning and well I’m still up doing homework because i’m a total idiot for taking on this workload knowing perfectly well that my work habits are pretty much shit till about 7pm. Anyway, what you said today about yourself, when i asked if you wanted to know what i think of you, that was messed up. That’s not even close to what i think of you, except maybe for the old part and even then i dont think you’re old just older than what i’d like you to be… And for some reason i kept thinking about it (or i wouldn’t be writing this, just need to get it out of my mind) and if you rally want to know what i think about you then keep reading, if not… trash it… Let me start off by saying I wish we weren’t born generations apart  because i want to know who the hell made you the way you are? I dont even think that “made” is right… Whatever. I think that you are pretty damn amazing and that if it wasn’t for “co-dependent” people like us the world  would be crap. YOu are motivating and outgoing and you know hot to connect with peole in a way that would put our ass kissing presidents to shame. The best part is you make everything seem simple and worthwhile( that’s what i see from a distance at least). ANd i guess you wouldn’t know but females ( and i used that word for a reason) You’re that guy who makes everything fun… you’re charming and excuse me if you i’m out of line by adding that you have some sort of sex appeal that could paint some twisted fantasies. But that’s just from another perspective, up close (especially when we talk) I notice other things too and just ignore me or correct me if i’m wrong… you look fed up (at times). Your  eyes tend to say a million more things than you will say. I dont even know what I’m talking about or why i’m telling you these things, I just want to. SOmetimes you look like you’re forcing smiles, sometimes i wonder how someone can look so happy and sad at the same time but you pull it off… that one day you kept coming back, I loved it. YOu were like lit up, this is gonna sound weird so dont take it the wrong way but you looked like an infatuated school boy being happy for such a small reason. I wish i could be like that but i’m usually more surprised or confused. You’re so damn full of spirit and yes you are a bit twisted, but so am i and every other person who walks by us, we just dont know it. ANd another thing… you cant reverse chemical reactions so dont try… I know i got off track and talked in circles but i think i wrote almost everything i wanted to say. If you actually read this… wow thanks. If not then i hope that someday you can look in the mirror and see yourself the way i see you, as corny as that sounds… i finally realize why people say it. I wrote this on impulse, I had to and i’m sorry if any of it offended you… Talking to me was probably a mistake but i’m really glad you made it… Thanks =]

#2- How do all things beautiful just die out? how does love affect our actions, our being? The burning passion within my heart that used to burn for one… now is dying low like my pathetic life before me. ALthough how can it? Love is like a rose after all beautiful but if handled wrong thorned. while like blood pouring, pain streaks the soul of your lover. A broken heart is always mended, or so they say, but what if… just what if that didn’t happen? would the never mended pain deep within the skin heal or would it continue to internally bleed slowly killing you from the inside. Lust is a sexual desire, passion… a burning flame of love… but love… what is love and how do you know when you feel it? Am i in love? am i talking crazy? is this what’s supposed to happen… i talk and do crazy things, but if you love someone, what if they dont love you? Well then what? Do you fall into an odd state of depression or do you move on? But how can you raelly move on after all you might have been though… on the other hand if you havent been through much what have you let go of unless there was something there…what if you feel it and they dont or visa versa, they feel it and you dont? then what happens? Then they become love sick and confused and it’s still bad so suddenly it’s all your fault and they feel like the victim and that in turn makes you feel like shit! Suddenly that stupid choice of a person fucks with the innocense of two peoples hearts. It fucks with their heads, their minds, makes them question themselves for the rest of their lives. Then one day that person decides to come back into your life and just like the first time everything is perfect…. until he uses you for a few days and goes back to his girlfriend and you become the best friend with high hopes of a friendship until he fucks that up too by not returning your calls for a week and then calling you crazy!!!! Here’s an idea Adam i hope she rips you into pieces and leaves you there just so you know how it feels…. 

(on a side note… she did break up with him, he cried to me on the phone for a month till i told him i cant take it anymore and hung up)

#3 Age:12? 13? i dont remember but this part was at camp years back… my first of many to-do lists

Maya’s to-do list: 1. Have sex…again =] 2. Finish High School early with good grades 3. Become a chef 4. Open my own resturaunt 5. become famous 6. get married 7. be really rich 8. get Alex a ferrari 9. Great sex life 10. Become a porn star or stripper 11. color my hair a few different colors 12. Be in two places at once 13. Have a guy give me a black rose 14. Fall in love for real 15. Take a road trip anywhere 16. Go to the beach and just breath 17. lip and belly piercing 18. Live like Julie from Practical Magic (love that movie) 19. Have a house full of candles and plants 20.Publish my own book 21. Die a lonely life

(i shit you not i wrote that my friends wrote theirs in my journal too but i’m not gonna post that)

#3 again… poems =[ 7th grade

Another day, another life, another sad story with strife. Another love, another hate, another fight with no debate. Another time, another place, another sad look on her face. Another story about a girl, Another entry that makes toes curl. Another night, another man, another pair of tied up hands. Another raped girl in her room, another death sealed upon doom. Another report on the news, another rumor travel by two’s. Another poem written by… another girl before she died.

(to someone) Why cant i tell you? I dont know but i guess it goes to show… why cant i just tell you? Because i just cant… i cut, i scream, say prayers, try to dream… why cant i tell you? Cuz i sit here and cry… wishing and wishing that soon i will die… why cant i tell you? you wouldn’t approve… you’d nag and you’d lecture and ask what will i prove… i think i cant tell you because you wont understand… you’ll do the same thing hug me close, pat my hand… so why cant i tell you????  To tell you the truth it’s just because i love you too.

#4 Love is a path we seem to not find & love is reality left behind. Love is not truth, nor is it a lie… Sometimes it hurts you enough to make you cry. Love is a dream that we hope will come true… Love isn’t love without me and you

#5 A dream inside a nightmare, a story from my life. The day i picked up my first straw to the day i held the knife. The time i lost my heart to you, the day you went away… Was the day that i had pushed you far, the day i had nothing to say. Someday i’ll see the way i went wrong, that day will be long filled with pain, because maybe that day will resemble the day of the day that i went insane. For today i have no excuses for all the days that i was bad. And the days i was drugged, drunk or dying were the days i denied what i had… so today i will read all my poems… Day to day i’ll see what i have… and tomorrow i’ll have a solution for all the days i went mad.

#6 Sail away on a sea of tears. A futile atempt all in it’s own way. Run away and you’ll be lost in your fears… From your present you try to stray. Drown in your sorrows and all of your lies you’re plastic and undeniably fake, and loving you endlessly, hoplessly, carelessly was undoubtably my biggest mistake. I fought against my better judgement and strived just to feel your lips. I wanted your body, your spirit, your soul, i wanted to feel your kiss… But thoughout this journey i learned to be better and i guess it distinctivly shown, for the minute i left you i could never forget you but since then i was always alone.

#7Unclear thoughts dwell in my mind. THe answers to questions i cant seem to find. Cold and regretful i search for an answer yet all ican find is utter disaster. Deprived of the reality that i must face with each coming day i fall from grance and drying my tears is no longer an option, so i face each day with greater caution, but living this way give me a vulnerable feeling… Unfamiliar with this truth and i dont feel like dealing… so i close my eyes… forget the present…

#8- Darkness fills an empty space, the noise in the space is so loud. The smell is deadly and vulgar, humanity nowhere to be found. And she screams to the silence and at her it yells back. From a distance sounds of movement, sounds of trains on a track, and the ceiling it shakes and the rocks break her legs. She cant feel them she begs “get me out of this place”… And her name voices yelling, from a distance below, but she lays here, she’s dying, in the world of unknown. So she closes her eyes, hangs her head, starts to cry, and this feeling is taking over her mind.

#9- Every time she looks in the mirror all she can see are the imperfections of a face that once was glowing. Her childhood pictures showed that she was happy, but now the little glow died and she perished benith the ground. Some days I feel trapped. Quiet, alone… yea, those are the best days of my life.

When somone leaves you a part of you goes with them. When you leave someone a part of you stays there. WHen you or they come back that part of you is back for several moments. SOmetimes they die with it and when that happens, a part of you is lost forever. After a while you realize that you are just a bunch of ripped up pieces of a person and to save what you have left you isolate yourself from everyone…

#10- I dont know what i see in life.. endless thoughts they drag my soul across the floor… i break apart. So free and so captured within the moment, your face invades my thoughts. Your breath and hands caress my neck. For the moment, all is lost. Time stands still. I turn to you and feel you looking right through me. It hurts, an almost terrifying feeling. A zeal for touch, one moment… where i cant hold back.

#11- As I write everything around me disappears and as they do i become part of the book. The light is my helper and the pen is my life. Somethings keep me sane and this is one of them. The paper wont judge me and it’s readers are erased from my presence. The books i read are my ammunition. If what they say matters to me. then what i say might matter to someone else… Although it may feel as if no one cares how do you know? How do you really know if you impact someone. You dont. They wont scream at you or cry. They wont flash you a body melting smile. But you’ll know. It’s the way they read it. They’ll slowly caress each letter with thier mind. Soak in the meaning… Define your thoughts as their own. They’ll eat the words like chocolate cake after a bad break up. Slowly they’ll forget. They’ll fall inot a coma of phrases and thoughts… that’s how you know. WHen they have a completely lost look on their face maybe even confused, normally surprised… that’s when you know that it got to them.

#12- She stands up tall her hands in place, she does not smile or show embrace. without emotion on her face… no one can make her fall. They try to break her into pieces, crush her castle and ber dreams. Burn her books and create creases in a heart forever frail. Drown her ina  bruising ocean, maker her bleed and break her spell, Torture her for all the secretes, that for years she wouldn’t tell. Still she stands, so strong… they wonder, what will break her rain or thunder?

#13- Forget me forgetting you. I’ll forget the way you smile at me, the way you hold me… The way you held me… The way you breathe me in… The way you looked at me as we layed there in silence… Dornt worry i’ll forget you. You’ll be my never forever. Forgetme the way i’ll forget you, because when we forget eachother… that’s when we’ll reach eternal bliss.

#14-The salty tears they swell my eyes, what can i do but sit and cry. The things i must… i cannot change, a plan for life, a hopeless range. The aching sores inside me burn. Yet from my mistakes i cant seem to learn. No matter what i stay a wreck, a single card from the missing deck. I place my card and make a bet… i try to be confident, instead i fret. But either way… i’ll feel alone whether i’m out or hanging at home. These endless games and endless fights leave me new scars with each coming night.

#15-I will love all the memories i chose to leave behind and with each coming day realize i’ve been blind. So say that you love me, just prove it to me… because i cant love a man who doesn’t love me… I will kiss a different set of lips and look into a lovers eyes, and forget your ever sweetest smile with every set of our goodbyes. But tomorrow will give me another reason to hold tight because i’ll dream of your smile every night you whisper “good night”. With each touch i’ll forget you, with each new heartache i’ll cry, but when you’re ever near me my heart stops and i slowly die (p.s. i was extremely d***k and cant make out some words so it might not make sense)

Stab my already bleeding heart, Let the wound sweel and let time heal all the burns and scars. YOU have raped all my memories yet my heart continues to sing you sweet lullabies….

#16- How sick a feeling that i’d have to hide it. Love slowly rotting in my heart… Your scent still lingers and i could still feel your kiss, i could still feel your hands.. i could still see your shadow lingering in the corners of my room. I”ll never forget the day i looked into your eyes and saw what i feared most.

#17- And for once i can hear you… broken record in my head. Forever i’ve been trying to remember everything you ever said, but the people between us have created a wall and no matter how loud i scream you wont hear me. But for now… i’ll listen to the replaying sound of the last thing you said to me and forever I will label myself with your famous last words. Although you are a fading memory the cuts are still fresh… constantly bleeding to remind me of you.

Grab things and take them away

like games and play

candy toys and friends grab them all

dangle them and let them fall

so take the walk upon stone and grime

when you walk i shall recite this rhyme

sad and lonely cast your gaze down

Eyes so dull and your lips shall frown

Suddenly my insane smile will show

look at you and it will grow

it is your turn to cry

but i cannot promise that you wont die

Haunted my vision has gone black

my soul is what i lack, no it is here

except white and pale

shout scream and wail

smile to the moon and whisper “i will prevail”

p.s. dont ask me what it is… i dont remember why or how

11/1/07

turn around and see the stars haning in the sky.
you’ll forget me.
as the champagne flows through your system
forgive me.
and all the things that i gave you.
i’ll never take them back.
i love you.
the sky is falling cant you hear it.
or is the sound only in my ears?
the rain is pouring can you feel it?
or are you comfortably numb.
yesterday i said i loved you.
today wont change a thing.
even if the buzzing in my ears stops
your voice will haunt it.
even when the cold takes over
i’ll feel you.
when there’s no turning back
will you keep running.
and if you’re stuck at the edge
will you jump
this is who you are
this is your moment.
will you take it
hold on to what the hypocrites criticize
to what the naturalists feel
to what the psycopaths see
to what the sociopaths want
it’s not the crazy ones who you should be afraid of but the ones who aren’t.
the people who cant feel the sky falling or see the rain.
the ones who refuse to believe that everything is there for a reason.
the ones who smile and never turn around and think that someones out to get them.
they are blind

8/31/07

with every breath i take.
i feel like giving up.
everyone around me
make me feel like a slut.
and every tear i shead
still makes me want to die.
for every sun that sets
and reveals this endless sky.
i swear that there’s no reason
for the treason i’m put through.
and there’s no other season.
that’ll make me feel new.

i swear that i’ve been crying
for many nights you see.
and wish that some will save me
before i give up and bleed.
so why not take a stand and listen
and remember to tell me the truth
because i’ve felt this way for years
maybe since the beginning of my youth.

so who’s to blame for my feelings
my body lay cold in the sea
of faces that constantly surrond me
screaming Mya come back to me
and i try so hard to reach out there
and i grab ahold of the air
but the more i try to grab on to
the less it seems to be there.

so i give up and wonder why bother
i’ll get lost and swim in the dark
and the sea of creature beyond this
will see in me some little spark.
because i live the life of a psyco.
and no one cares for me
so tonight i’ll give in to the darkness
and when you see the stars… remember me

2/21/07

His eyes are cold and empty.
his body lay there still.
i held him as he left this world.
it was against his will.

i find it hard to write this.
as his blood still stains my hands.
although i will replace him.
i hope he understands.

Last night i kept on crying.
Got sick over again.
I felt like i was dying.
because i lost my friend.

the taste of smoke still lingers.
the pain wont go away.
the pills i drowned arn’t working.
i feel like shit today.

& still i wonder what would happen
if it were me who died.
then he would have been trying to help
then he would have been who cried.

ALthought it was meant to happen.
this rather tragic affair
and i’ll try to get over this incedent.
no matter how much i care.

7/22

our lives are full of choices…
we always wonder why.
we get stuck to the people to whom we have to say good bye
i tried to cry things over
with them i try to smile.
it never lasts long enough
but make it worth the while

some people tell you stories
they know these stories fade
i keep trying to forget them
through days go on each day

the hated last a life time
the loved stay in your heart
i forget what happened in between
the time we were apart

i found that running faster
will only help for a while
and for that while i’ll kill the time
and for now i’ll try to smile

May something…

as plastic as she gets
she turns her life away
believing in love is a curse
believing in truth is no way
knowing tommarrow will come
only deprives her of air
the money and all of the clothes
will reflect on the job she must wear

the poundage of drugs on the mirror
the endless cut staws on the floor
the bags that were once filled with crystal
are now empty and now she wants more

night swallows up pain cuz she’s worthless
with no one to care for or love
she walks sunset with heels and a mini
and prays someone wont pick her up

sick of all those depressing old antics
she strides down the block without fear
for waiting and waiting till someone
will kill her and drop her body off near

her body will be on the paper
her body will show on the news
and although many might hate her
i love her fore she is my truth

5/10/06

i feel the heat from your body 
closing in on mine
and closer in time
you’ll feel heat from mine

the pressure between us
the strength of your arms
the night has just begun 
and i’m weaved in your charms
intensity pushes all mortal thoughts away
i know that tommarrow will be just a day
another day at school when you will just say
that last night we were studying the tests for today

and we were
we were testing the love between lies
the pressure of him
and the pain between mine
just something fun, he begged me to try but
nothing’s more painful than sex and goodbye

12/9

loose your heart to a stanger of shadows
loose your mind with the sharp pain at heart
loose the people you love with your lies
and loose what you do best …your art

find a way to make all the voices
run away from all of your fears
cast away as if your a sailor
and battle the monsters …your feers

Dream of places you once never heard of
dream of folks who challenge your wit
hike a mountain for fun maybe soak in the sun
and forget about all of his shit

know yourself and know where your truth lies
never hide your mistakes like they’re bad
own up to your problems your beautiful flaws and treasure the good times you had

Date:12/6/05 (for my sister when she left)

dance under the beauty of knowing
dance under the stars of life
and sing out your heart without showing
all those bad things that happend last night

i know that your body is hurting
the bruises all over your face
i wish i could take all those lasts thoughts away
and send them away into space

remember when things were unnerving
the smiles and the drawings we drew
remember your mother remember your father
remember me and remember you

i saw all your pictures last summer
you looked like a princess in pink
but after the fight with your brother
your happiness washed down the sink

remember the thoughts of our family
together and yet we’re apart
remember the way we were best friends the day that i met you ….our start

now forget all those bad things that happend remember the good things again and look back at the past when we had a blast when we first were the bestest of friends….

Date:12/4

the eyes that see the world below
the hate that spreads will never show
the bruises on her broken heart
that show when they are but apart

the nights she cried when he was gone
she wrote these poems she sand those songs
but who would ever understand and who would giver her a helping hand

no one saw her walking past
her waiting for him it didn’t last
for when she died she worte a note
left in her pocket and this she wrote

my dearest jack i see you’ve gone
and left me here my nights are long
i know that this is awfully wrong
i pray these nights
i wish all night long
My dreams are nightmares they haunt me so
i dream of your face your white skin aglow
i think you are dead with your body at war
your ears always ringing your musclues so sore
i cannot seem to find the right words to describe what i’ve heard but i cannot learn to be like my mother i cant handle the pain the sounds of the bombs droping drive me insane
i cannot seem to be like this longer for as i grow weaker the hatred gets stronger and now that im dying i just want you to know that i’ve always loved you dear jack loved you so…..

this letter was gotten to him all to late for he died not knowing of her horride fate maybe thats good oh him not knowing she died with a knife in her heart and a scar on her pride

date: 10/17

places i’ve been seem so nerving
life as it’s goes seems unreal
how can i know when you say that you love me
when all that i hear i dont feel
preasure in school is like cutting
the deeper you go it’s so hard
and parents are gone and lights blinding
how can i ever go home

i sit in the sewer and listen
pure silence it rings in my ears
i and sit and i cry and wish i would die
i want someone who would wipe my tears….

but nothing is special inside this poor body
all the pills chills and hard core baqardie
the fillings and cuts the musts and the buts
have never changed a thing

days have now passed with my nightmares…the cold of the night on my skin, the way that i act hope & attract can you handle the shit im in?
maybe one night i will see it
an answer to all of my prayers
and day by day i’ll grow to be better
while trying to ingore all those stares….

Date:9/28

Heat
rising between each push
Cold
my heart melts then turns to mush
Passion
so strong
Work
all night long
Sielence
only broken by the moans
Love
they have it listen it grows
Hate
the pain inside her eyes
Death
it creeps like time it flies
Now
its over a one night stand

Date:9/26

Smile for me
and wave good bye
just please
dont let me see you cry

Smile for me
and fill the space
of my once cold and empty place

smile for me
and i’ll smile back
our hearts can soar
even if eachother we lack

smile for me
when we’re apart
so u’ll always be
inside my heart

Date:9/26

Dizzy, spinning, everythings white,
Cursing smashing cant stand up right
Kroken colors music with no tune
Freezing crying it’s the middle of June
Mygraine earthquake ran into a wall
Walking talking in a moment i’ll fall

Where have my friends gone
Im here all alone
I’m scared and i’m tired i want to go home
Someone comes over Lays me down soft
I look all around me we’re inside the loft

He pulls up my shirt
cold as ice
His hands coress me as he takes my life
Movement is faster Then i feel a knife
Pulled out from his pocket Put into me slow
a moment of blood drip
Before the pain will grow
I wish i could lie about what happens what happens next
For it is to cruel to put into text
Another girl murdered the body not found and no one had helped her for there was no one around

another dead body found in a black cape
and carved on her back were 4 letters spelled: RAPE

Date:9/25

I guess i’m a failure..maybe that’s true
I know that you hate me well i hate you too
I guess i’m a failure an honest mistake
I tried to be smart they knew i was a fake
I leared that in life it’s hard to give up
you gave up on me and that was enough

I guess i’m a failure
I failed to try
I failed to love
I failed to cry

I guess i’m a failure
And i guess you don’t care
I sit here alone on the street with wet hair
And yes it is raining and i’m drenched and cold
cuz i failed to find what i was told

i guess i’m a failure
ur what made me this way
I know that i failed and i’ll fail once more today

I guess i’m a failure cuz i failed to live
i failed to try and i failed to give

But listen to failure MOTHER it’s true
I guess i failed much more than you
I guess now you hate me cuz u left me here alone
i guesss that i failed to come back home
ANd mother you know now who’s fault this is
after all you were the one who started all this…

Date:9/23

hit me maybe blood will drip
thats wat you want isnt it
hit me hard you’ve done it before
you did it so hard that i fell on the floor
Hit me again maybe a bruise will show…
and if you do it again the pain will grow
and even if i try to block the blow…
ur too fuckin stoned to care or to know
hit me one last time… maybe i’ll die…
just hit me again so i wouldnt cry…
hit me just kill me just one last push
just one more slap with the thorns of a bush…
just a bit more blood will drip from my face…
just one more bone will budge out of place…
and then it’s all over see wat u’ve done
ur sons ur next victim hope he can run…

Date:9/23/04

Do they know me
understand
what i say or write on my hand

do they know me
r we related or are their intrests so outdated that they cant see their daughters face or her priorities out of place…

Do they know me
Do they care my once Gold locks are now black hair

Do they know me
Cuz i’ve lost track
i’ve built my life on beer and crack
i’ve turned my stories into lies
ur reading this r u surprised…

Do they know me
am i insane because i cut to feel the pain
because i love to feel the blade cold and sharp on skin like rain

Do they know me
im still here
im slowly dying but have no fear
you dont care
no not at all they never cared when i used to fall

Do they know me
do they see how how much death appeals to me…

Dated:9/25/04

Dear *******…

have u noticed whats new
the blood on my clothes or maybe the make up today i have chose

Have u noticed whats new
the tears in my eyes the pain in my heart the cuts on my thighs

Have u noticed what’s new
have u noticed my arms have u noticed my legs HAVE U NOTICED THE SCARS?!?!?!

Have u noticed what’s new
Have u noticed i’m gone??? dont spill out ur heart now i left i am gone… Have u noticed my savings account has been emptied to the core have u noticed the drugs are gone once more have u noticed the razors and blades and knives have blood stains all over
wat ur surprised???
Have u noticed a thing since i have gone and u know that u were so wrong dont worry the arm healed my legs are still bruised but it’s all over this is wat i choose…

who am i? the girl who everyone thinks they know… the one with all the stories… the drama queen… the compulsive liar. The bitch? Ok so i guess i’ll go with what everyone else says about me, it’s easier than trying to actually figure it out so why not? I’m the girl who cheated on so and so and the girl who’s made so many mistakes in her life that living with myself should seem like a total burden. Yes i’m the girl with the mask, the girl with no feelings, the girl who will yell at someone for being immature at school when she knows that that’s the only time in their day they can be themselves. I’m the girl who’s done nothing but let my talent go to waste and then made up excuses just so i can fall asleep at night. I’ve excused myself from my mistakes and continuted to let myself go, willingly, knowing that eventually i’ll hit rock bottom and have to start all over again. This is it… i’m at the top of the mountain. I’m smart, i’m pretty, i have or well maybe had a rockin body, and i’m perfectly ok with myself… but how long can i hold my balance? I’d say probably till around November 6th… moment of truth and god help me…

And here i go again… spiraling down that endless highway. I’ve crashed so many times and yet every time seems worse than the first and yet i still give in… why do i give in to this tempation? the whole adventure seems like a curse. And then i come home and spill my fucking feelings to the computer… who said that i had to be something that i dont want to be? why is it that every time i finally feel like i’m on my feet i start tumbling down like a child on heels i keep falling with every try but it’s not fair because ultimately the child learns that it’s bad to wear those before the body reaches an equlibrium with her head… she’ll keep trying… and she has the time… do i? do i have the time to fall again? because apparnetly my body doens’t listen to my head and there i go again… messing up everything that i’ve been building up for so long… all the hard work that seems so important and yet it’s so useless… im not even happy doing it and most of the time i dont stop myself… i dont even know why i do most things i just do… i dont even feel better afterword i feel worse and i know i’m gonna feel worse when i do it but i never stop myself. I’m in love with someone who’s waaaay wrong for me it’s so wrong that it seems like we’re on a different planet. On the other hand who’s fault that i had to be born so late or he had to be born so early it’s like generations apart? it’s no one’s but the only way you can beat that is to A. lie or B. not say anything and pretend there’s no connection. well i think there is… i dont care about anything else. It’s wrong in most peoples eyes but who are they to pass judgement on what i do when they themselves probably are hiding more skeletons in their closet. Something i learned once is called the spotlight effect, you always think everyone is looking at you when really they’re too bothered by themselves to even notice you… unless its your friends insulting you and then it’s whatever because that’s what they’re tehre for. It’s ok friends are friends. Sometimes i feel like i want to not exist to just kinda sorta perish from the earth and for somereason i cant bring myself to kill myself  so i swing my life away from drungs and boys and the worst part is that i’m completely aware of it and for some reason i just dont stop myself fast enough … i want to love i want to love someone more tahn they can sand and i want that person to deserve it like i dont want to give it away this time i’ve given away so much that i am so sick of giving in this life is too short for me to keep letting go… i want to hold on to something that’s real or someone that’s real to me… someone who i know will take care of me… but my sickness in codependence… i’m with guys who say i’m a “virus” or “just a body” someone who “cant be taken seriously”… i’m fucked up i’m so fucked up i do stupid shit and i crash i crash into this oblivious state, i’m in a box that i cant get out of stuck in this glass case… i can scream and no one will hear me i can run and no one can catch me… i will scream and loose my mind this is insanity…the same concept the same words rewritten in different ways repeating like a broken record in my head… beggin me to think straight… pushing my legs in different directions urging me to fall ” fall child fall you’re too weak for the world…” i wont… i’m gonna keep walking, i’ll bounce back one day. Till then, there will be nights i’ll never forget, with the girls i’ll never forget… and although they’re letting me do stupid shit i still love them… cuz they kinda look out for me… one of the last things i have to live for… i <3 you guys… i’m so gone