Rubies
The door that i opened on the day that i touched you was a door i should have shut before i met you. For you my love i reached far into insanity. You carved me from the inside out and made my body hollow. An addiction the strongest couldn’t resist i needed the cold of your touch on my lips. For they iced me over into this new being these powers they gave me the strength to go on but i never realized that i was never that strong. I gave into your pull and you dropped me back down and i needed you more as i layed on the ground scraping up all the pieces of you that pieced me together and you’d never leave my body alone. You pulled me across the floor, a zest for this feeling my life crashing down and there’s no way of dealing with the pain in my heart and the urge to be free, from your hate i cant stray, the end is painful to see. Because every time i walk away you pull me back into your arms your crystal crystal beauty your chemical charm and you eat me right through from the inside out and you’re all i can do, all i talk about. The sweetest of dreams dont pass through my head. The sadest of songs you played in my bed. You pulled my skin right over my bones clearly looking in the mirror it distinctively shown and the bruises on my body said nothing at all you made me so clumsy i lose control and fall right back into your world, the world of the creeper. The walls that surround me my own thoughts getting deeper and i write and i write and i dont shut my eyes and the days that pass by me, demonds crawling on my walls. As my ceiling gets closer i’ll be crushed by the force and i’ll wake up to birds singing and i’ll stare at my door wondering if it’s save to wake up and love you once more. I watch the sun rising the smoke lingering around my head drawing lines only i can see. Pictures depicted by a fiend of the night, I see myself smile as i add to the jitters my body has already developed at the feel of your presence. Just one last time… i will love you again my friend, just let me feel you once more.
out of nowhere
With poison running through my veins i take a shot of reality into space and your words fly around my pale face in the moonlight i cry but you cant see it. And by your hand i decided to die in the darkness of day i pulled out a knife and i carved your name on my arm. Like the days passing by me a world so unreal with the hours just passing im reminded of how i feel with your fingers laced in mine i close my eyes and for a moment i’m free. When i look into your eyes soft sweet color of death they paint my world around me and they take my breath away but in the light of day it dawned on me that I am in love with a dream and our nightmares collide. And the look in your eyes taught me more than just hate it taught me to rot from the inside out. It killed me slowly to see the way you looked at me like a pimp at his bitch hooked on meth my heart bleeds. And the scars on my wrists and my ankels run deep and i find no worries in the arms that bleed for they give the calm sense of security one moment in time i control my own life. So with days passing by me i stop and i stare but the love once around me is no longer there and i turn on my music bow my head start to cry and in time i’ll be spent close my eyes and i’ll die.
Guess i’ll wear green too…
Conformity-–noun, plural -ties.
| 1. | action in accord with prevailing social standards, attitudes, practices, etc. |
| 2. | correspondence in form, nature, or character; agreement, congruity, or accordance. |
| 3. | compliance or acquiescence; obedience. |
| 4. | (often initial capital letter ) compliance with the usages of an established church, esp. the Church of England. |
| 5. | Geology. the relationship between adjacent conformable strata. Compare (def. 2a0) |
Conformity… has human creatures we feel the need to fit in, for some stupid reason. We will go to great lengths to feel needed and loved, according to Maslow, a psychologist, after our physiological needs are met, we will strive to achieve the feeling of belongingness. Why? Just because it’s human nature. We will dress, eat, drink , smoke, play, listen to the same music, pretend to like sports even though we may hate them. People will look to be accepted in the weirdest places. You will continue to befriending the most dubious people just because you feel that’s what you will fit in with. Promiscuous dope fiends at raves, the football players just because you are your fathers son, or yoga just because you are your mothers daughter. I dont even know where most of the pressure comes from, personally i think it’s the parents and then because your parents pushed you into something you conform to the rules and guidelines of people you wouldn’t think twice of fitting in with if it weren’t for your parents. In the year 2009 it’s hard to say that you’re original, that your idea is the best idea, or that it just came to you. The only people who could semi be original are the drug addicts and that’s just because their hormone levels and the chemicals in their brain are so messed up that no one knows what the fuck is going on in their heads. I’m not going to lie, some of the best idea I’ve ever had were on ecstasy trips, or while i was smoking a joint at the beach. Life is just so much more beautiful and simple. Things seem to make sense but now that i’m aware that i’ve gone off on a tangent it’s time to get back on topic. So conformity. Why do we do it? I have no fucking idea. I guess it’s because if we didn’t we wouldn’t have other people to blame for the stupid bullshit that happens in our lives, but in a group of mannequins, jocks, barbie dolls, whatever you’d like to call your weird little possy, everyone is almost the same. Dont deny the fact that you share ideas it’s like all of you share a brain, in the nicest sense possible of course. If you haven’t noticed, you agree to the same music, most of the time you can all agree to a place to go for dinner, or that one hooka place, why? Why not do something new? Try some new place? Hang out with someone new? Because you are in the loop of conformity. You will do the same thing, with the same people, with the same drama, and the same thing day after day year after year. Have you ever noticed that it’s the same person starting the drama? Why are you even around them? Dont even give me the bullshit about balance… you’re full of it and you know it. You wont leave not because you cant but because change is too large of a concept for your brain to adjust to. So you’ll lie for a few more years, pretend you’re someone you’re not and then maybe you’ll get lucky and wake up one day and realize that the people you fit in with best you lost forever. The people who weren’t cool or made you look good all the time were the ones who are actually worth more time than the people who made you listen to their shit for hours and rarely asked if you’re okay. Girls are vicious creatures, really. They dont even know when they’re doing it but they’re basically sucking the life out of you and leaving you out there to dry. You cant reason with them at all it’s pretty much useless because even if they agree with you for five minutes they’ll end up forgetting that they agreed with you and doing whatever they do. I dont know just pick a situation and think about it. Did she say one thing and then do something different or forget? Maybe or maybe not, maybe i’m just ranting again. Anyway, i’m a conformist, i do it all the time, i try to look like one of those girls who care so much about themselves but may or may not just be hiding how ugly or stupid they are. I dont know if they’re doing it but it helps me sleep better at night thinking that they do. The girls who come home and just drama drama drama drama homework drama. What is going on in their heads? I’ve always wanted to know that… Do i share the same thoughts as a cheerleader? I am so curious it hurts. Do they think about crashing every time they get in their daddys car? Do they think about killing someone when they get pissed off? Do they wonder why some people sound so damn stupid sometimes? I dont think they do but i’d sure like to pretend they’re not completely stupid. Or maybe it’s not them that’s the freak, maybe it’s me. Maybe i’m not supposed to think about death, or depression, drugs, raves, maybe i’m just really sad all the time but i’ve never really considered that because i dont think i’m sad. I’d like to think of myself as a very happy person. I’m satisfied with my life and i know what i’m going to do with it. I have hobbies and real friends or my version of real friends. They have acquaintances. People who fill the space in time from the hours of 8am to 315pm Monday thru Friday and sometimes weekends. What do they have left to talk about? Why do these people bother me so much? I guess i’ll figure it out one day but for now let me conform in the simplest form… She wore green and i guess i’ll wear green too…
Strange.
Oh these people with their unfamiliar faces, passing by me. I stand still and time just keeps moving, i cant seem to hold on to a minute, it all escapes me. Those moments that i want to remember so badly i cant help but to forget. The people that i once loved have left me standing here, but i dont mind. They move with the waves of time, following the days within the year and going on a journey that i wish i could follow. But i cant and even if i could would i want to race against the clock? Not a chance. It’s not who i am. All the lies, all the broken promises, the forks in the road, the mountains i’ve climbed, the forests i was lost in. Living in a dream, and completely in love with where i was but only for the moment. I’m past that now. Now i’m somewhere in the middle of nowhere and i know exactly where i am. I know that i’m absolutely nowhere, but at least i know. To someone else this may not make any sense but to me it’s a road map to somewhere. I’ll walk on through the endless streets of shattered stone. The plastic bodies and their painted faces shining their bleached smiles at me. The doll perfection of vulgar beauty. The playmates and sperm regulating scum bags who live the American dream through the eyes of a movie screen. How patriotic of you, country of hypocrites. Everyone is a self indulgent asshole even though you’re all convinced it’s for the greater good, you’re all so full of shit. Whether it’s about your family values, child abuse, drug abuse, etc. One year you’re all ready to help each other and give money to whatever charity they think deserves it the next you’re bitching about how dare a woman have 8 kids even though it wasn’t her fault, it was the doctors. On top of which one year everyone is yelling abortions are bad and the minute something isn’t the American image it’s abortion, rehab, blah blah fuckin blah. I’m not innocent by any means i’ve done some fucked up shit too i mean most of it was through trying to be with someone or trying to help someone or defend someone, or sometimes i’m just a bitch but usually if i snap at someone they deserve it’s not because i’m in an economic recession or because i got a pink slip it’s just because you’re pissing me off, you’re aware of it and you wont stop. Morning news headlining some guy in Alabama who went on a shoot spree because he got fired or some bullshit like that. Some call him a killer, but i’d probably call him honest. If i lived in Alabama i’d go on a shooting spree too, dont get me wrong all people are good, but they’re just so fucking stupid and i guess that’s not a good enough reason for most people to want to kill them but the way i see it, a little less bullshit in the world. Now you can ask what if it were you who got shot? THEN I”D BE DEAD! and i wouldn’t care. According to the super christian community i’m going to hell anyway so whatever haha
There’s a song.
It’s the best song I’ve ever heard. It basically sums up most of my emotions, the cure for my sickness lies in a 4 minute melody. Every meaningless romance, every meaningful relationship, every lie, everything, just playing on repeat in my room. I remember what it felt like when i watched you walk away. I cried for hours that night because i knew that this time you weren’t coming back. I’ve relived that night in my dreams over and over again reminding myself of the one mistake that could’ve changed my life if only. That’s the funny thing about me, when i win big i cant help but to lose it all in the process of saving it. Unfortunately,that’s how I’ve always been. Basically, Im a bit of a loser. Not in denial of it either i am fully aware of the fact that i am lost in my own imagination constantly swiping at the air for something real. Something to hold on to, or believe in that will keep me floating above the water not sinking. I hit play and back up again, breathing in the sweet sweet sound of my life replaying over and over again. Life is sweet, yes, it’s wonderful, my scripted, structured, scheduled life, the kind that doesn’t give me any time to do anything that i would love to do. I would love to have enough time to figure out why so many people are ready to ruin my life at the drop of a hat. I’d like to figure out what is it about him that keeps me on this stupid leash, constantly wondering why did i fuck up again. Then there’s my tendency to give lots of relationship advice without ever being in a relationship. I’m go good at making everyone else’s life work, why cant i make my own work! why? Hit repeat and yet again breath, it’s only natural for me to freak out over nothing i do it on a regular basis. The beauty of the world surrounds me, the sun is shining birds are singing, in the church the bells are ringing. I look around and just breathe. That’s just me, it’s what i do, breathe. I guess it’s been a while and i’ve finally accepted the fact that you’re not coming back, turn up the volume. I’ve finally accepted that I’ll never wake up to your smile again, louder. Or hear your voice on the other end of the phone, louder. You’re never going to talk to me the way you used to, i’ll never cry over you the way i used to, our song with play over and over again and it wont even matter because you’re never going to listen to it again. There’s something really unfair about being in love because everyone thinks you cant fall in love when you’re a teenager but that’s not fair, we’re only human too and I think that I was in love. After a while you just kinda fall apart and you become everything that person wanted you to be in the first place, you’re happy again, not so stressed, not so worried and clumsy as ever. Its such an impossible feeling because you don’t know whether you want to laugh or cry or hate them or hug them and it’s just so confusing. WHY ME! If everyone thinks i’m so perfect why cant you think I’m perfect why is it that I’m this little person that everyone can love and take care of but you don’t. Stop and breathe turn the volume on and just be… Forget the present drift with the music, remember everything that happened and work from there. You cant change the past, you can however forget it or remember it and move on to become something better. You cant make someone love you no matter how hard you try, but you can always love them anyway just because they’re someone special to you. Everyone deserves to be loved even people who dont think they do or others think they dont, they do. You should love everyone, what harm could it do. So there, i love you. I love you with all my heart.
Diet Mt. Dew (yea idk what to call it, rant)
So basically i’ve never been anyone really special, never the most athletic or the fastest, I’ve never been the prettiest girl in school, or the smartest in class. I’ve just been myself just this, someone who is always there always watching, always wondering who everyone else is and where and how did they get their titles… Why don’t i have a title? What is it about titles anyway, there’s the teacher, the mother, father, daughter, sister, brother, cop, clerk, executive chef at a prestigious restaurant in France. But why does that title make you so special, you’re a person just like me, why don’t i have a title that everyone can remember me by. I’m like the camera’s in the ceiling which by the way half of them don’t work at school they’re just there to create fear, those camera’s are actually crap and even the ones that work aren’t being watched. I learned this from someone with a title. It’s nice to be a nobody who knows everything. When no one knows you exist you have the window to the world. I know I wrote that once before, I’m not sure where and it really doesn’t matter anyway. On a note that actually means something, I’d like to pretend that I’m finally happy, maybe not in the way that other people are, but happy in a way that lets me function if not fully then temporarily without the help of drugs or men. In body I’m 17, in the mind I’m somewhere around 30 without the degree of course, i mean if i could i would but i cant so i wont. If what i said ever really mattered to anyone, if anyone would listen i might actually surprise them.
