There’s a song.
It’s the best song I’ve ever heard. It basically sums up most of my emotions, the cure for my sickness lies in a 4 minute melody. Every meaningless romance, every meaningful relationship, every lie, everything, just playing on repeat in my room. I remember what it felt like when i watched you walk away. I cried for hours that night because i knew that this time you weren’t coming back. I’ve relived that night in my dreams over and over again reminding myself of the one mistake that could’ve changed my life if only. That’s the funny thing about me, when i win big i cant help but to lose it all in the process of saving it. Unfortunately,that’s how I’ve always been. Basically, Im a bit of a loser. Not in denial of it either i am fully aware of the fact that i am lost in my own imagination constantly swiping at the air for something real. Something to hold on to, or believe in that will keep me floating above the water not sinking. I hit play and back up again, breathing in the sweet sweet sound of my life replaying over and over again. Life is sweet, yes, it’s wonderful, my scripted, structured, scheduled life, the kind that doesn’t give me any time to do anything that i would love to do. I would love to have enough time to figure out why so many people are ready to ruin my life at the drop of a hat. I’d like to figure out what is it about him that keeps me on this stupid leash, constantly wondering why did i fuck up again. Then there’s my tendency to give lots of relationship advice without ever being in a relationship. I’m go good at making everyone else’s life work, why cant i make my own work! why? Hit repeat and yet again breath, it’s only natural for me to freak out over nothing i do it on a regular basis. The beauty of the world surrounds me, the sun is shining birds are singing, in the church the bells are ringing. I look around and just breathe. That’s just me, it’s what i do, breathe. I guess it’s been a while and i’ve finally accepted the fact that you’re not coming back, turn up the volume. I’ve finally accepted that I’ll never wake up to your smile again, louder. Or hear your voice on the other end of the phone, louder. You’re never going to talk to me the way you used to, i’ll never cry over you the way i used to, our song with play over and over again and it wont even matter because you’re never going to listen to it again. There’s something really unfair about being in love because everyone thinks you cant fall in love when you’re a teenager but that’s not fair, we’re only human too and I think that I was in love. After a while you just kinda fall apart and you become everything that person wanted you to be in the first place, you’re happy again, not so stressed, not so worried and clumsy as ever. Its such an impossible feeling because you don’t know whether you want to laugh or cry or hate them or hug them and it’s just so confusing. WHY ME! If everyone thinks i’m so perfect why cant you think I’m perfect why is it that I’m this little person that everyone can love and take care of but you don’t. Stop and breathe turn the volume on and just be… Forget the present drift with the music, remember everything that happened and work from there. You cant change the past, you can however forget it or remember it and move on to become something better. You cant make someone love you no matter how hard you try, but you can always love them anyway just because they’re someone special to you. Everyone deserves to be loved even people who dont think they do or others think they dont, they do. You should love everyone, what harm could it do. So there, i love you. I love you with all my heart.
Diet Mt. Dew (yea idk what to call it, rant)
So basically i’ve never been anyone really special, never the most athletic or the fastest, I’ve never been the prettiest girl in school, or the smartest in class. I’ve just been myself just this, someone who is always there always watching, always wondering who everyone else is and where and how did they get their titles… Why don’t i have a title? What is it about titles anyway, there’s the teacher, the mother, father, daughter, sister, brother, cop, clerk, executive chef at a prestigious restaurant in France. But why does that title make you so special, you’re a person just like me, why don’t i have a title that everyone can remember me by. I’m like the camera’s in the ceiling which by the way half of them don’t work at school they’re just there to create fear, those camera’s are actually crap and even the ones that work aren’t being watched. I learned this from someone with a title. It’s nice to be a nobody who knows everything. When no one knows you exist you have the window to the world. I know I wrote that once before, I’m not sure where and it really doesn’t matter anyway. On a note that actually means something, I’d like to pretend that I’m finally happy, maybe not in the way that other people are, but happy in a way that lets me function if not fully then temporarily without the help of drugs or men. In body I’m 17, in the mind I’m somewhere around 30 without the degree of course, i mean if i could i would but i cant so i wont. If what i said ever really mattered to anyone, if anyone would listen i might actually surprise them.
Distance.
It’s funny how you’re so close yet so far away. So funny how when I get text messages from you instead of being happy I’m sad because it reminds me how far away you are. It never got to me when we first me that you had a girlfriend… but after a while i just wanted her dead. It didn’t bother me to see her name under name under your relationship status because she meant nothing to me. She was nobody at first, then she turning into a ghost, hovering over my head, invading my thoughts, constantly reminding me that you are never mine. Yet through it all i tried to keep quiet, knowing that somehow i am winning you, that you’re choosing me over her… but it got worse. Now it doesn’t even matter because you’re so far away it’s like you were never there and i’m stuck inside my own head lately trying to hard to get out and confused because i cant seem to. It’s lonely in my mind. I cant hear anything, sounds seem to pass right through me, i cant see anyone, my attention constantly taken up by thoughts i cant even focus on. I hate trying to keep my mind off of you when all i can think about is being around you. you’re like a virus that i cant seem to shake off, no mater how much medication i take i cant seem to get rid of you.
19?
Standing under a cracking ceiling, I walk past shacks of shattered stone.
The bombs are dropping, people screaming, and all I want is to be alone.
My mission statement for tomorrow, find a way to stay alive…
but by this battle field of sorrow a hundred chances presented to die.
I walk past corpses in this endless forest looking for any sign of life,
I found my dear captain laying so peacefully inside his heart he plunged a knife.
And every will that pushed me forward, every step that my stiff legs took, and every sound kept my heart racing,
eyes sore with death, afraid to look.
I turn to surrender but see a mere child there, covered in cuts, body painted in blood.
I looked in his eyes and all that i saw there was a boy who wanted love.
Within that moment i felt myself crying, tears flooded my eyes and my vision blurred black
who would have thought that this child was a decoy for the Japs brutal attack.
so far.
So another story to add to my life. My long list of failures. Just another cut, another push, another whole to dig to bury a piece of my heart. I’ve started to waste away my body gradually becoming a part of this earth as it was meant to be. My legs dragging across the asphalt pulling me to my next class. Each day becoming faster than the one before it. I’ve lost the ability to keep up with people. Their constant rambling about their dramatic lives doesn’t appeal to me anymore. The fast pace of the socialites is too much for me to handle. Running around finding new ways to ruin each others lives, getting a rush from the torture they cause to the people they label as friends. It’s pretty sad how some people get a kick out of ruining other peoples lives, talk about a serious need in attitude adjustment. It’s not that i’m perfect but i dont see a reason to tell people how to live their lives, who they should date, who they should see. Dont get me wrong i get a bit jealous when the guy i’m madly in love with is seen with another girl, but he’s bound to have friends and he’s only human. That’s the thing about relationships, dont get together with the person if you dont trust them because they should be your best friend. The person you can count on to be there when no one else is, that’s why you’re together. You make eachother happy they put this ridiculous smile on your face all the time and you just cant help but to laugh thinking back on that one night when everything was so perfect and something they said or did made you crack up. You’ll never forget that text they sent you that lit up your day so you saved it and read it every time you’re down the least bit and then everything comes back to you just the way it should be. You know you’re in love when you wake up with that special person next to you and the fact that your hair is messed up and your breath probably smells like hell and they just lean in and kiss you. Hahaha. Wow. I’ll never forget that morning, that morning i can honestly say was the best day of my life. Your friends and your lovers are the people in your life who matter most, the people who pick you up when you’re falling or the people that make fun of you when you fell down the stairs that one time because you’re as clumsy as all hell. There is a given that not every day of your lives will be perfect but why fight and argue? What in the hell is the point of making each others lives miserable when the whole world is against you anyway! It’s just stupid. Love doesn’t make the world go round but it sure as hell makes the trip a lot more fun.
Elliot if you ever read my damn blog again…
I’m so sorry about everything. I dont know what i was thinking or doing. I just got so fucking scared and i couldn’t believe that you were really as perfect as i thought you were. Its just really hard for me to grasp the concept that someone could actually love me after all the fucking shit i’ve been through. I’ve lost everything that ever mattered to me, i’ve fucked up over and over again just trying to make something of myself but constantly losing the fragile grip i had on this pathetic world we have to call home. I wish i could make you see whats going on in this fucked up head of mine but even i dont understand myself sometimes. I know i’m insane i’m aware of that now after talking to ian it really got my head straightened. He calmed me down and made me see that there’s no one in the world like you and i realized that if i lose you now i might as well be dead because you’re the air i breathe. All I ever wanted was to make you so happy that’s all and i completely lost it. I got caught up in listening to a bunch of actors pretending like they gave a shit about me just to find a way to get to you i guess. I dont understand why they had to go through me but they did and i’m extremely fucked up right now. I feel like i’ve already lost you. There were words flying from every direction reminding me of my past and how i’ve been crushed before. They were telling me the stories of every guy who ever got to my head, every heartbreak, every reason for as to why i’m so fucked up in the first place. I guess that when i heard it i wasn’t getting mad at you. i was mad at myself and everyone that hurt me and i took it out on you, which is ridiculous because i should know better than that. And i fucked up baby you know i fucked up. And i know i did because i’m a stupid girl and that’s what happens sometimes. If you can ever forgive me and take me back that would be more than i can ever hope would happen. if not i’m sorry. I love you…
I love you
I have no idea what’s been going on… i’ve lost my mind. I’m so in love with you i dont even know how to explain it. wtf is going on with everything. we were so perfect everything was so perfect it all made sense at some point. Everything about you was amazing, everything you said to me, everything you ever did to me. Every touch and ever kiss meant something. All i want to do is be with you. I want to have our none existant daughter and our none existant son. I want that perfect relationshp we always talked about and that perfect marriage we fantasized about. All i ever dream about is you and all the things you ever said to me. I love you so much Elliot Karlin you’re so amazing. I’d do anything to have you back.
Another day in my head
There are times when losing my mind over something seems like bad timing like right now for instance. He took everything i had away from me and left me vulnerable in a world that eats people like me for lunch. I’m completely stripped of my dignity trying to pick up the pieces from a broken confused relationship that never existed in the first place. Who are you to tell me what i am when you have absolutely no idea who i am or what i’m feeling. There’s emotion like love. Nothing in this world compares to it because it leads to so many other feelings… resentment, hate, confusion, passion, depression. It’s everything we want and why? Why do we need to feel it why doesn’t everyone just open their eyes and see that this feeling only leads to trouble. We need to be needed. We love to feel loved and we do anything to have it regaurdless of how much pain we go through to get there we follow the path that leads us no where. The fork in the road that we took just to see what would happen, a short cut to happiness perhaps. Instant gratification. I find myself yet again staring into the looking glass seeing a reflection of someone i cant seem to recognize. A girl so lost in her own head and still searching for the exit door out. I’ve looked so many times each corner of my mind seems to be darker than the one before. Finding temporary highs to relieve the pain and when i come down i’m still me. Still here. Still alone. Why don’t i just give up on people. Why do i have to see the beautiful things within them and chose to block out the fact that they are in reality like vampires sucking the life out of me and leaving my body to rot inside some barren alley so the rats could eat me once the homeless are done raping me. Everything i stand for is being abused and there’s no time to stop. Time wont stop flying by and people will forget you. Everyone is so worried about themselves and their own problems that they dont ever stop to think about how many lives they’re actually ruining just talking and talking. A constant drone of their bullshit just swirling in my thoughts. Who’s ruining who’s life, who’s dating whom, someone got their dick sucked and someone else joined a gang. The problem is everyone is so busy worrying about the flaws in other people that they dont stop to think that maybe there’s something wrong with them and instead of picking apart other people they should take a look in the fucking mirror and pick themselves apart. I know who i am, i did my time in my own mind and I know that i’ve completely fallen apart and lost everyone that ever meant anything to me but at least i’m aware of the fact that i’m shit and i dont try to hide it. No I’m not perfect, i know i fucked up and ruined peoples lives before many times in fact. But at least i have the balls to be honest to everone and say yea i’ve been a fucking liar, i’ve done this and that and whatever. I’m honest what i’d like to know is what the fuck is going through your mind when you tell me you love me and then go fuck someone else? How in the fucking world does it not process that i’m gonna find out? TIme to cool down and drop this… i give up. Fuck Everything.
stuff….
here i go again falling down into the depths of my wonderful life. In my own little cloud i fly across endless sea skies. Forgive me if i leave you behind but i must chart my own courses and the rough waters of our relationship rock my boat hahahaha. Oh damn ok but seriously… some days in my life are definitely better than others and some days just suck so much. What a buzz kill all this drama. I know i’m not making much sense right now but it doesn’t matter because i feel so damn free. I dont need anything to boost my happiness. I am finally one with myself, finally happy in my own little world. I feel like an angel laying on the clouds up in heaven looking down at the chaos and destruction, smiling pleasantly finally happy to avoid all the feelings i so much enjoy ignoring. You look at me with those bittersweet lies or bittersweet eyes. Ah yes your honey honey eyes, watching me fall and break down and not doing a think about it. Just adding fuel to the fire that’s been perishing the more i think about you. I’ve tried so many times to tell myself that you’re the one for me that you’re perfect and sweet and wonderful but the contradictions of all your friends skewed my best fantasies. “we’ll name her paige” the none existent daughter and “jake” the none existent son we have. The fake perfect family that we thought up and the fake perfect life i dreamed about. Your face haunting my wildest dreams. You’re ghost lingering in the hallway, your shadow plastered on my wall. You’re like a poltergeist invading my personal space, but just to watch me rot to the core in my own head. Constantly repeating meaningless words, lying about your masochistic tendencies and yet again drowning me in your lies. The constant drone of your voice echoing in my empty head, wearing my conscience thin. Oh baby baby, what are you doing to me, that confused smile on your face as you try to figure out what i’m doing. Nothing and talking about me to everyone doesn’t help. I’ve spend most of my life being pulled in different directions being told by people who i should be rather than who i want to be and i’m just so sick of having to pretend like everything is alright when in reality i’m more fucked up than anyone i know. And i drift away back to my happy place, a world of hate and pretend. I’m here baby here baby what are you gonna do? I’m so pissed off how i always try to be so nice and i cant fucking help it but for some reason it’s not good enough. Here’s the difference between me and you, when i cry… tears come out of my eyes. When someone insults me i feel pain. It’s as if your brain is constantly doped up your emotions changing like a kaleidoscope. One minute you’re happy and excited about something the next you’re sad and angry breaking down. As for me… I’m gonna go lose everything in the gamble of life for the one thing that matters to me most.
a work in progress rant
I am a hollow body. People put me together because everyone wants one person in their live to make sense to them be it the person who listens the most, cares the most, loves you the most, fears you the most, respects you the most, or gives you the best head ever. I am a wasteland of what other people want. The come to girl, the optimist. Basically i’m a puzzle of bullshit, twisted, i know everything about everyone, every little lie, every little secrete, people tell me things, they tell me everything. They give me all this ammo to destroy either myself or everyone around me. I know all your little sick fantasies, i know who you talk to when you’re ready to kill yourself. You talk to me, everyone talks to me, my lips are sealed i wont tell your secretes. Wanna know something funny though? I’ve been standing on the edge for years now, hearing the same exact stories being told over and over again. Listening to the same lectures being given by the same fake bastards that run our society. If you want to teach me something, teach me what i need to know. I’m not going to be a politician i dont need to know history. Teaching me history will give me a outlook of how many times our society fucked itself up, i already know we’re a bunch of cowards trying to take everything we can from eachother just to feel a little bit more complete because we cant seem to get a grip of ourselves. Whatever in this life we are meant to fail, because failure leads to progress, without progress… well there’s no progress.
